Jasper Lily has been with me about 7 weeks now and while it has not been easy (there are still more days than I want to admit that I wish she was a different dog), she has brought a lot of laughter and smiles back to my little beach apt. I firmly believe, day in and out, that Shelby sent this girl to me to help me heal and smile until Shelby and I are reunited.

Jasper has so much baggage from her previous life and it does make me sad to think all that she must have gone through in her first year and half of life before she came to live with me. As someone who likes people pretty easily but trusting is a much harder thing, I can understand Jasper’s apprehension.

She went for two daycare evaluations last week and passed BOTH. They told me ‘what a sweet little dog’ and I almost wondered if they were indeed talking about the same Jasper. When I met Jasper, she didn’t come right up to me (which was normal – not all dogs are like Shelby in that they go up to everyone and immediately want to be your new best friend). What took me by surprise was how scared Jasper was of other people most of the time. But last week, she walked in with confidence and got up on her hind legs to get closer to the handlers.

When my best friend came over this past weekend, Jasper didn’t growl or run to her crate but rather greeted my BFF and tried to cuddle. Jasper also goes up to some of my neighbors to get pets and hugs.

Today when I dropped Jasper off, she ran right off with the guy, up the stairs, never once looking back. Joy is an understatement! I needed a dog that was independent. I need a dog in my life that is not a ‘stage one clinger’. I always used to say that Shelby would sell me out to the highest bidder and I loved that about her. And Jasper had never met the guy who took her to the play area. But apparently he had heard about the “sweet little dog, Jasper Lily” that was going to come to the Loved Dog daycare.

Watching her grow and come out of her shell is truly amazing. She still has such a long way to go. Her default at night is to run and hide under my bed. In fact, I think she prefers to sleep under there. She will come out if I ask her to and sometimes, prefers to be half under the bed, only her head and those ridiculous ears sticking out. She loves her babies. She has to have her babies with her a night – no matter where she is.  So I make sure to bring some babies into our room.

She loves her chew bones, antlers, pig’s ears, etc. She got a special gift this week, some elk antlers and she loves them! She also chews on her babies, or sucks on their ears but she definitely loves to have things in her mouth.

She loves baby carrots. She takes her baby carrots to the other side of the room and eats them so gingerly.

She puts God knows what in her mouth when we are out walking sometimes. I hope it’s poop – even as gross as that is – at least I don’t know it’s not horribly bad for her. She’s fast and I can’t get always get it out of her mouth. I see ER vet visits in our future for sure.

I truly can’t tell if she likes to ride in the car or not. She still sits on the floor in the front seat and looks at me with her big bug eyes and big ears. But she never complains about getting into the car. She likes to go.

She likes to run. She’s a good little runner too. Her form is amazing … front two paws in-sync with the back two paws. I am hoping to train her to run up to a 5K with me. Shelby ran but not as much nor as far and she always stopped to sniff – everything.

We are still working through our submissive pee issues. We can usually get out the front door when I get home but she’s so excited that I try and get her to courtyard to put on her leash or she tinkles on the stairs, etc. It’s always risky since she is off leash for a bit but she WILL pee in my house as I try and put the leash on her. I am still told she will outgrow all that.

She has found her voice. She has a pretty deep bark, which is deceiving considering her size. She doesn’t bark for the sake of barking (thankfully) but I am simply not used to being around a dog that barks at doorbells, loud sounds outside, neighbors. And she always has to have the last ‘woof’.

She still isn’t Shelby and she never will be. But she knows all about her big sister in heaven. I truly think that Shelby communicates with her. Sometimes in the form of teasing, I can only assume, since there is no rational reason why when we we go outside sometimes, Jasper will look to the sky and get spooked. Thus, I tell people that Jasper is afraid of air.

Jasper has a big outing scheduled for this weekend. We are going to a movie in the park – it’s 100% dog friendly and last time I went, there were tons of dogs watching the movies with their owners. Jasper will meet more of my friends who are so eager to meet her. My hope is that the outside sounds, stimulation, and environment don’t scare the bejeezus out of her. But I think with her thunder shirt, a few of her babies and her ‘madre’ she will be fine.

I still miss and think about my Shelby girl every single day. I probably do have something akin to love for Jasper now. When I see her ‘smile’ (which is rare) or play with that big bushy tail wagging so fast, it warms my heart. All I want is for her to feel safe, secure and cared for. Every dog should have that. While she will probably never forget her first year or so of her life, my hope is that the next 10+ are the best EVER. So with the Spirit of Shelby fur-ever in my heart, I feel better and better about having little Jasper Lily in my life …

All those toys and she wants the wine!

Elk Antlers are the best!!! Thank you Tripawds family!

And this is how an apt should look – like a build a bear factory exploded! Truly, fluff everywhere and nothing makes me happier.

Half under my bed but at least she has her babies!

This is her normal face yet she always has that ‘pissed off’ look about her. Thunder Shirts are cool!

Oh Jasper Lily … the world isn’t that scary and life would be so much more fun if you were able to embrace it!

I truly believe Jasper is part cat – she literally will go hide and I have NO clue where she is. She can skinny herself under lots of furniture that doesn’t really thrill me but I guess it isn’t hurting anyone. Yet she wouldn’t ‘skinny’ herself into a carry-on pet bag at Petco yesterday (she got HUGE all of a sudden). I still think she will fit in one of those bags so she can fly w/me. She should like it – it’s a small and secure place which she seems to love!

For whatever reason, people are STILL setting off fireworks so Friday night, this is where I found Jasper. Under my bed.

Under the bed

Last night was gorgeous and I was chilling at home with some wine and I thought we should go to the beach to check out the sunsets. While she is getting better on the beach, she definitely still gets spooked and has her tail between her legs. She made some friends and some people assured me she would grow out of her ‘fear of the sand’. Those ears! And her eyes seem to get even bigger when she’s scared.

Our beach montage

Today, we had a flash storm. It came on without warning so had I known, I would have put her thunder shirt on, which does help. But we were outside, saw lightening and then BOOM! Spooked is an understatement. She was shaking so hard. I grabbed her and ran her inside and as soon as I put her down one guess to where she headed.

Ahhhh…the purple bath mat.

I put her shirt on her and that is where she is hanging. Or under a piece of furniture. I can never easily find her and that freaks me out. As long as I know where she is, I don’t really care if she wants to hide. I feel so bad for her. The thunder, lightening and rain has all stopped but this weather is not typical for LA – at all.

But she got her very own Kong this weekend and a new antler so she’s excited about that ( in between being petrified). And we had some good cuddles! She buried her head under a ton of pillows on my couch this morning. So just another weekend in the life of little Miss Jasper Lily! 🙂

How has it been five weeks already?  I think Jasper Lily has finally unpacked her baggage and feels comfortable and confident that this is her fur-ever home (which of course it is). She seems to have embraced her life here and has her routine (which is clearly important to her) and seems genuinely happy.

I announced her existence last week to my social media world and we were met with such a warm welcome. I suspect the only judgement about it being too soon was my own doing. And while I still feel it’s soon, I believe more and more each day that Shelby sent Jasper too me. Shelby was always such a self-less dog – she loved everyone she met and I know she hoped that for me too. I found a penny this week that I am sure was a sign from Shelby. The very next day, I found a purple sequin – Shelby was definitely letting me know that she approves of Jasper and that she is happy that I have finally shared Jasper with the world.

Jasper is quickly getting more invitations for social gatherings than me! She has so many people who want to meet her and I know she will be great when she meets new people. She still gets a bit skittish in her own home but she warms up quickly. If anything, she is fearful – not aggressive.

Jasper has also worked on, what I call, “channeling her inner Shelby’. There are simply TOO many things that they both do/or have done. For instance – Jasper is also extremely food motivated. Her world revolves around breakfast and dinner (and if she had her way, snacks in between). Thankfully Jasper has gotten better about snatching food off my plate but I still recall the first week or so that she was here that she took an entire burger and finished it in two bites.

Also, on a walk, Jasper seemed interested and then spooked by two ceramic yard art bunnies. It was a total Shelby thing. Shelby used to inch up to yard art and then freak out like it was a ghost.

Last night I took Jasper out for a quick potty and she looked up into the sky. Sometimes I wonder what she sees or hears because it sure isn’t on the spectrum of the rest of the world. Anyway, there was a single streak of cloud in the sky – kind of like when an airplane goes by and leaves a mark. For whatever reason, it spooked her. She kept looking up at the sky and put her tail between her legs. Perhaps that was a sign from Shelby or Shelby’s spirit? I’ve never seen a dog get spooked by clouds in the sky before but then again, nothing really surprises me about Jasper.

She’s getting better walking on the beach. I suspect those ears magnify everything because it’s super windy down by the beach and it’s loud in my normal ears! I can’t even imagine. But honestly, if she doesn’t love the beach ,that is OK. That was definitely mine and Shelby’s thing and so far, Jasper doesn’t seem to be the kind of dog that wants to go down there and just chillax. She’s still got plenty of puppy in her.

One last funny story about  Jasper – I got home from a run, got her dinner in her bowl and hopped in the shower. I guess I didn’t close the container all the way with her food because I got out of the shower and saw her tiny body nose deep in the food can. It’s one of those popcorn tins that is about as tall as her! Food motivated that one. Definitely my shadow in the kitchen.

I feel more content and at peace with having her here. I enjoy her company, a lot. She makes me laugh, a lot. I tell her every day about Shelby and the things Shelby and I did together. I don’t think I am trying to mold her into Shelby (that isn’t possible) but I do think there are enough characteristics that they both share that give me a sense of peace and security. Everywhere I look in this apt, I see my Shelby .. her photos are as large as her life. I miss and grieve for her daily but I also tell her thank you – ten times over – for sending me this little black bundle of joy! Her ears, alone, make me smile more than I have smiled in months!

Ironically, my friends, who knew nothing about Jasper, had noticed a switch in my mood weeks before I announced Jasper. They knew I still missed Shelby but noticed that I had started to “live again”, around the time Jasper came into my life (secretly). Thank you Shelby … I learned to live from you and hopefully I will continue to learn to love from you!

Jasper is smiling in this video. It’s brief but she’s smiling!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PPODQ4-DbJ8

Those EARS!!! Jasper Lily embracing nature outside our apt.

We need to work on ‘selfies’ – she’s got a choke hold on me.

All four paws in the sand! She’s getting better.

And this is how she sleeps … she needs her babies in the room with her.

Wow… a month already?!? I cannot believe Jasper Lily has been under my care for one whole month. I still remember a month ago at this time, preparing for the two hour drive to Orange County to meet Jasper (aka Julia, aka Coyoyita). As I was driving there I do remember an intense feeling of dread and apprehension. What was I doing? It was all too soon. Shelby had only been gone for three months. What was I thinking? But when I met Jasper and she came to me, with her own apprehension, I knew that perhaps I should give her a shot. I didn’t expect them to send her home with me that day. I thought we were just going to “meet”. When they said, do you want to try her out … I wondered when I had to bring her back. There was no return date. She was mine. I wrote the check, collected her food and thus began our journey to where we are today.

I can’t say it’s been easy. I am still up and down with my emotions surrounding Jasper. I see old photos and videos of Shelby and can’t help but think, what a happy dog Shelby was. Shelby was ALWAYS happy. Even when she was being a royal PITA, she was a happy girl. I still can’t always tell when Jasper is happy. Her ears are almost always “up” so that isn’t an indicator. She goes low to the ground sometimes when I come near her and try and snuggle (like  I am going to hit her which I don’t ).

She is fiercely independent, like Shelby was. However, unlike Shelby, she LOVES her crate. She loves her safe space. She loves to hang out in there and goes to it when we are just hanging out at home, the two of us together. I can get her to come snuggle on the couch but it appears her default resting place is the crate. But only if she goes in there on her own. If I put her in there and close the door, crying starts when I leave the apt.

She does like to play, as they said she did. She plays alone. She loves her stuffies (babies) and her antler bones. She will devour a pig’s ear in about 45 minutes. She is extremely food motivated (like my Shelby). She LIVES for her meal times. She is a hearty eater and never food aggressive.

She likes her routine. Probably from years of being shuffled around from home to home, she is definitely routine oriented. She likes to walk the same route each morning for her walk. When I mix it up, she doesn’t do her business properly.

She is definitely a hunting breed. Anything that moves, she wants to chase, cyclists, cats (ALWAYS), birds, leaves. It is something that I am very aware of and keep her on a tight leash. I doubt, at this point, she will ever be an off-leash dog. But Shelby was about 8 or 9 before I trusted her off a leash around me.

She is a good little sleeper. She sleeps soundly. She loves her rest. She plays hard and rests hard.

She is trying. And I can say that I, too, am trying. I am not madly in love with her. I didn’t expect to be. She does a lot of things that make me smile and make me laugh but she’s not (nor will she ever be nor do I expect her to be, Shelby). I miss my Shelby girl so much. Last summer, it was me and Shelby. I have looked at old videos of Shelby and what a happy girl she was. I have been slowly announcing Jasper Lily to more and more friends.

I still fear so much the big reveal since I fear that means that Shelby is no longer the apple of my eye, the love of my life, the best thing that ever happened to me. I know, on a rational level, that the section of my heart that is devoted to Shelby will never shrink. I do feel sorry for Jasper that she lives with the “ghost of Shelby” everywhere. But I also hope that by announcing Jasper, I will feel free again and less like I am living a lie. There is a part of me that thinks that if I don’t announce Jasper, then she isn’t real and she is temporary until I am with Shelby again. Like she’s a place-holder in my life. And that isn’t fair to Jasper. She deserves so much more than that. So I am trying to find some strength and some courage to announce my new fur-baby! Hoping that Shelby sends me her strength! And that Shelby knows that just because I introduce Miss Jasper does not mean that my love or grief for her has changed in the slightest.

I think it boils down to the harshest critic in all of this is ME. As usual, I am my own worst enemy! But I do adore Jasper … for all her little quirks and I see more and more of her personality coming through. And think while she might not show me that she is happy, I think she feels content, peaceful and safe. And that is the best that we can hope for right now. We will find our groove. Love at first sight so rarely exists outside of the movies. So right now, Jasper and I will settle for a comfortable happiness, together.

“madre de galletas por favor” – (mommy, cookie please)

Beach is getting a little less scary

Buenos días, Madre!

Oh Jasper Lily… how can you sleep like that?

How is it possible that we are at week number three with Jasper Lily? It feels like she has been a part of my world so much longer (and tomorrow marks the three month mark that my best girl, Shelby, became an angel). Time feels like it’s flying by yet my heart still aches for the “love of my life”.

Jasper has been a real trooper though. She is doing her very best to snuggle her way into my heart and home. Last week was the 4th of July holiday and where Shelby never batted an eye with the fireworks, Jasper was beyond petrified. I was prepared. My vet gave me the OK to give her a Benadryl if she got spooked. Everything was going great and things were quiet at our casa when I took Jasper out for a quick pee before the show started. We were outside and BOOM! I saw the look of fear in her eyes, her big ears got even bigger and taller and I could tell she was going to try and bolt. I  grabbed her up and tried to cover her ears and rushed her upstairs. I hadn’t drugged her yet since she had appeared fine as long as she was inside. She RAN to the bathroom and the beloved purple bath mat. She had never stepped foot in my bathroom before so I wasn’t sure how she knew that was a safe place (Shelby’s safe place for a month after her amputation and her go-to place when she didn’t feel well). Poor little Jasper hunkered down, preparing for the end of her world. She was as low to the ground as possible and rolled into a tight little ball yet her ears remained fully erect. I tried to comfort her but she was having none of it. I gave her a pill and figured she would be safe in there. I finally got her into her crate for the night and around midnight, we both finally slept.

The next morning she was extremely apprehensive on our walk and walked as low to the ground as possible, tail between her legs. Just like that, it was back to week one and she was fearful of every leaf that blew past her. Around 3 or 4 in the afternoon, she perked up a bit and started to act a bit more normal. Things were better until darkness fell and those darn fireworks went off again. This time she ran right to her crate and hunkered down. They weren’t as bad but just as loud.

Come Sunday a.m., she was doing MUCH better and seemed to have shaken it all off. We went for a great a.m. walk (she has gotten so much better about doing her business in a timely manner). She pees more than once on the walk (she hadn’t been doing that and Shelby was the master pee queen – peeing up to 15 times on a walk). As long as we walk the same route, daily, Jasper seems content to relieve herself. Where Shelby needed variety to do her business, Jasper seems to want to stay the same course each time. Jasper always walks with her nose to the ground as if she is desperately trying to take in all the scents to remember where she is and how to get home.

We were coming back from our walk and the neighbor’s cat was drinking out of the fountain. This cat was raised with dogs so half the time, it thinks it’s a dog and therefore not fearful of Jasper. Jasper is cat-friendly and went to jump up next to the cat on the fountain and SPLASH! I don’t know what happened, either Jasper pushed Portland in OR the cat got spooked and fell in but soon there was a dripping wet cat and a half-wet Jasper!

Jasper continues to hate riding in the car. At least I think she hates it. She doesn’t do anything other that sit on the floor under the console in the front seat and shoot me looks of fear. Either it’s how she feels about my driving or the musical choices I have. I even put on the Spanish station for her and that didn’t seem to soothe her in the slightest. She will get over it, I hope!

Now that we have hardwood floors, Jasper has taken to slipping and sliding! Until the rugs come back from the cleaners, I try and limit this activity. She likes to run and play but I am petrified she is going to hurt herself. She is a jumper and it worries me each time she attempts to jump higher than I think she can. I think I still have PTSD from when my Shelby broke her leg – being a dog!

This morning when I was getting ready for work, Jasper was happily playing with her toys (she loves to play by herself). I turned around and my couch looked like a “build a bear” store had exploded! Fluff everywhere. This was the happiest sight in a long time for me! I used to love when Shelby would go to town on her toys and pull them apart with such vigor! To see Jasper relaxing, feeling at home and doing the same warmed my heart. She is learning to be loved and trust that I am not going to abandon her. When I think about her short life, she has already lived a year and a half in such turmoil. They say dogs don’t have long-term memories but I believe that Jasper has so much baggage and it’s wonderful see her coming into her own personality and making my home, her home. Even if I am not madly in love with her, I do care deeply for her and I want her to feel all the joy and affection ANY dog should feel. She is special and she deserves greatness!

So we have our routine. I am training her and she is training me. As soon as I walk in the door, I take her outside to avoid any peeing on me (only once in the last week and that was when I saw that she had chewed up the tag on a rug and while I didn’t yell, I guess the look on my face was enough). I am encouraging play time, snuggle time, happy time. I try and praise her, a lot, in English and Spanish. I am helping mold her into the companion that I need and I believe that Shelby is guiding her and protecting us both. I feel my heart opening up, a bit, and it scares me because I also  feel that wall that I have put up still pretty firmly there. I miss my Shelby every single day (some days more than others) and just when I think I can fully let Jasper in, something stops me. So for now, as it stands, I care deeply for Jasper; she has her fur-ever home but I still count the days until I am reunited with my Shelby girl. But I am thankful for Shelby sending me a new furry friend to make me laugh… even if it’s just a little bit!

Jasper in the car

Determined!

She was so proud of herself! (those ears!!!)

Little cutie!!! Pre-work snuggles!

Jasper hasn’t quite gotten a handle on the ‘selfie’ but she lets me hold her like a baby when there is no camera present!

As I announced over the weekend, Jasper Lily has found her fur-ever home, with me. As if there was ever any doubt (which actually, to me, there was). I was feeling such guilt last week, knowing I had to make a decision since it wasn’t fair to her and all her baggage to make her pack it up again. But somehow, between last Thursday and Saturday morning, she had some sort of “come to Jesus” meeting with the Spirit of Shelby and she became a good dog. What I thought was Jasper peeing in my house turned out to be a pipe leaking under my kitchen. Seeing how Jasper handled having the workers in the house Friday, ripping up carpet, drilling, sawing … she was SO chill in her crate. Shelby would have gone bat crazy.

I took Jasper to a friend’s house Friday night since my apt was a construction zone and she has a pup. Jasper and Hobbes became fast friends and I hadn’t seen Jasper that animated and happy since I got her. She played and played … her personality shown through. She was happy and content and home.

I still don’t feel what anything akin to what I felt in love for Shelby. But I care about little Jasper, a lot. Walking out of the house Friday night, I said, for the first time, “come to mommy”. It shocked me but then I realized, that was ok. I have since switched to the Spanish version of mommy – “madre” and tell her to come to “madre”. I also tell her “te amo”, instead of “I love you” because somehow, in my mind, that still keeps our love separate from the great love I had with Shelby. 

I also almost lost Jasper this weekend and the fear I had about that further confirmed that I am sort of bonded with her. She escaped out of her collar and took off down a busy street, darting in and out of traffic as I ran after her in flip flops. When I finally caught up with her, she was so scared that I crouched so low to not startle her as she was about to jump off a high ledge. I got her to me where I held her close and soothed her. She was scared too. Side note – Shelby did that the FIRST weekend I had her and I will never forget that fear.

I still haven’t told the rest of my social world and that seems weird to me. Where Shelby was the most photographed dog on Facebook ever, Jasper has yet to have a Facebook identity. I don’t know the reason behind that. I am not purposely being evasive but I think I am truly concerned about how people will react (not that it should matter) but if people think it’s so soon after Shelby passed or that my love for Shelby wasn’t as strong as I thought it was. I think I am judging myself which also is why I keep Jasper just at arm’s length away from my heart.

I still miss my best girl,  every single day. There will never be another Shelby. As much as everyone tells me how cute Jasper is (and she is pretty darn cute) I still think Shelby was far more beautiful. And you can’t compare. They are literally black and white (or blond).

But we are both trying. We both have a lot of baggage to work through. We both have been hurt. But we are in this for the long-haul. And I am looking forward to many adventures with Jasper.

Someone got a new collar! #jasperfirstbling

Jasper is a yogi! Frog pose

Jasper’s first photo in a tiara!

Jasper doing a roach! (she loves to snuggle with all her babies in the bed with her).

Oh Jasper Lily…. why are you so skittish? You are fearless beast (for the most part) in the front of our apt and our block. Yet we walk 1/2 a mile down a hill, past a barking (yet fenced in) dog and near some cars rushing by and you become a little, shaking, nervous dog.

Full disclosure – Shelby also had “issues” walking in downtown cities (she would press herself up against the buildings on her left side so only her right side would be exposed). She had an irrational fear of drains, bridges, metal plates on the ground (literally would jump or try and go around them). But Shelby never minded walking in a neighborhood or down by the beach.

Back to Jasper, once we got to the beach, I was ever hopeful she would relax and enjoy the sites, smells and sounds of everything. She clung to me like white on rice. She tried to crawl up my leg so I would pick her up (I refuse to enable that kind of behavior). The bikes that she loves to chase and bark at near our apt? Yeah, scared of those too. Bushy tail tucked between her legs. Ears back and sideways. Oh how I wonder what those dumbo ears really can hear. It must be insane! The crashing waves on the coast – she darted between my legs. I let this go on for about 5 minutes till I noticed her shaking really hard and her tongue was no longer pink but bright red. I decided it was enough and we turned around to go back and somehow, she got the memo that we were headed home. Or perhaps she just prefers to be on the east side of the bike path. She ran in the sand, tail wagging, happy.

We walked the 3/4 of mile or so home and as soon as we turned to our street, she became relaxed and joyful. Oh Jasper … we could have so many fun adventures if you would just ease up a bit and channel your inner Basenji! If you are indeed part mini-pin, that is also a fearless species. Find your strength! And Shelby, if you are listening, send Jasper some of that bravery that you had … let her know that life is for living and exploring and that with me, she may not be loved ALL the time but she is 100% safe and secure.

Feet on the sand! Progress

Curious at first

Waves crashing … a little unsure

Guarding her casa!

OK – so this is super cute! Jasper can’t seem to sit on just one set of stairs.

Jasper Lily has been in my apt, my life for one week today. And while I definitely don’t feel anything akin to “love” for her, she is growing on me a little bit.

I think last week was just so emotional for me with my spin-a-thon dedicated to Shelby and the events surrounding that and what it meant hit me way harder than I could have predicted. Combine that with exhaustion, a new fur-baby that doesn’t know me and wasn’t as well-behaved as advertised and just overall stress of life, I think it was a recipe for an epic sh!t-storm.

I vowed to give Jasper a week to get to know her better and it’s just in the last 2 or 3 days I am seeing more of what I think is her real personality coming through. The poem about a rescue dog’s baggage really hit home and it hurt me to think that Jasper probably has a lot of baggage from her early life. I don’t know what she has been through. I know she was probably on the streets before she ended up in a home with 40 dogs in Mexico (for how long, we don’t know) till she was rescued from there and brought to America where was in a foster home with 7 dogs and underwent her surgery to spay her plus trying to learn to be a house-trained dog. So much baggage for a year and half.

Over the weekend, Jasper and I went to a local pet store to get her some food and some toys of her own. I wanted to see how she did in public, around people and other dogs. I need a dog that ‘wants to go’ and ‘have adventures’. She did great. No one could believe she was a rescue that had only been with me a week. She was pretty calm and very affectionate and eager for attention and love (not in the same needy way that Shelby did but enough that it was nice). I got her a pig’s ear which we quickly discovered she loves! And some new toys. She loves stuffed toys. She loves to toss them around (she prefers to play alone) and has to have all of them out of the box. She doesn’t really ‘kill’ them or pull the fluff out in the same manic way Shelby did but she has fun.

She was pretty snoozy the rest of Saturday and seemed downright depressed. She was aloof and off in her own world. I felt sad for her. It occurred to me that she might not like me either. And was resigning herself that this was her new life (yeah, I give dogs lots of credit for what goes through their minds).

Sunday, I finally figured out, if I just open the door to her crate and let her run out of the apt she won’t run off but she also won’t tinkle in the apt. She usually does it when she’s excited or if I talk to her in a friendly tone.

Also on Sunday, the day of my event, we went for a long walk – in the hopes that she would pee and poop. Almost 45 minutes later she had done neither. I was so annoyed. I let go of her leash and just looked at her and told her I hated her. That she was going back. I am not proud of this at all but I was frustrated that she wouldn’t do her business in any sort of timely manner. It’s like she gets distracted or hears something (how can she not with those dumbo ears) and forgets why we are outside. My neighbors saw me and saw me start crying out of exhaustion and frustration. One minute later, she peed.

What I have noticed about Jasper that is funny and cute is:`
1. She likes to chase bikes – she runs along side them as far as her leash will go and barks.
2. Yes, she barks! They told me she didn’t bark but she does – not often but she definitely wants to chase “people” (not cats or birds).
3. She apparently does speak Spanish – my neighbor spoke to her in Spanish and then said the same thing in English and we didn’t get the same reaction. I do not speak Spanish. But I did tell her “Buenos dias” this a.m. and she got excited.
4. She has no boundaries when it comes to food. I sat on the floor with a bun-less burger last night when we lost power. I got up to see if the entire complex was out and Jasper ate my burger. Hope she enjoyed it. Mustard, onions and some cabbage (and thankfully the onions didn’t hurt her).
5. She loves socks. Clean or dirty but she pulls them out of the drawer and carries them all over the apt and chews on them.
6. She is food motivated. Breakfast and dinner times are the highlight of her day. She snarfs her food like Shelby used to.
7. She will also only eat baby carrots if I cut them up for her.
8. She moves her ears to illustrate  what she is thinking or feeling. She cocks them upright when she is happy and puts them to the side (like an airplane) when she’s unsure.
9. She likes to sit on, next, around me. She will snuggle but sometimes it’s too much since she licks, a lot, and I am not a fan of that. She also likes to go up like a Meercat and hold my arms or legs.
10. She chews everything! She is not teething but apparently she likes to chew, my couch, my shoes, Mardi Gras beads. So she spends her days in her crate to keep her safe.

So where are we a week later? Safe to say I still don’t know. Her photo is finally off the dog adoption site I got her from so I am guessing they are thinking I am keeping her. They haven’t contacted me at all. I know that I like her, think she is cute and she makes me laugh. But she isn’t Shelby. And I knew she wouldn’t be but there are a lot of similar things that she does that Shelby did. She is definitely 50 Shades of bat crazy some of the time. I have called her Shelby more than two dozen times in the past week. I feel Shelby’s strength within me and I feel Shelby guiding me. I think a part of me is accepting that Jasper will stay with me, a part of me is accepting that she is more a ‘dog’, ‘companion’ than a child (I don’t refer to myself as mommy to her).  She is definitely doing her part to get to know me and make herself comfortable and at home. She trusts me to care for her. And everyone who meets her tells me how cute and interesting looking she is (those ears crack me up!!!).

I know I need to make a decision sooner rather than later to avoid her having to ‘pack up her baggage’ and feel lost and scared and timid again. I still haven’t told 90% of my world that I have this dog living with me. She is growing on me but my heart, mind and soul are still with Shelby. It isn’t automatic to take her photo (like I did with Shelby). People still grieve with me about Shelby and tell me how great Shelby was and how missed she is. Shelby’s presence is still really big and strong in my world. When I think about my home without Jasper in it, I am ambivalent. So I will try, like Shelby did, to be more dog, to live in the moment and take each day, hour at a time.

Before she tried to lick off all my make-up. She’s pretty cute and she lets me hold her like a baby.

Oh Jasper … you do love my stinky, damp workout clothes!

Well Jasper Lily (or just Jasper as I call her) continues to try and make space for herself in my heart. She is really darn cute and everything I wanted on paper for a “new” dog (good with people, good walker, snuggles, plays, likes to go). She hasn’t quite broken down that wall but I do like her a smidge better than I did yesterday.

She went to the vet yesterday to get a once over and they weren’t so much surprised that I had rescued another dog but by my “offer” to give them to her. I think, in-part, I have been so emotional about this because I feel shamed (doing it to myself only) with getting another dog and while the vet was lovely and kind to me, they could see that I was clearly still grief-stricken about Shelby.

So Jasper had filthy ears (thank GOD not mites). She had a flea (or two). But otherwise, clean bill of health. They kept her and gave her a bath and cleaned out those dumbo ears. They said she was chillax all day and just did her own thing. When they brought her out to me, I tried to be super excited to see her and she peed herself. We have determined she’s a submissive pee-er and only pees when she gets excited. Great!  Did I mention she peed on me yesterday morning? Yeah, she did that too. She WILL pee outside and isn’t marking in the house so it’s definitely behavioral.

I got her home and spent almost an HOUR outside with her trying to get her to poop (they needed a sample) and pee again. I gave her cookies outside when she did both. Success! She’s become a healthy eater and snarfs her meals (ala my girl Shelby). She plays – a lot – pretty independently. When I try and play with her or toss the toys that she loves, she gets spooked. She was clearly abused at some point in her early life and that makes me sad. I tell her all the time that she is 100% safe here and that no one will hurt her while under my care. Even if I don’t “love” her, I like her a lot and I like dogs and I will treat her well.

She still sleeps in her crate at night (I don’t trust her yet since I have caught her with a shoe, a pillow and sock in her mouth). She’s super quiet when she sleeps and she sleeps hard. She doesn’t mind the crate at all. In fact, for the most part, she prefers to hide in enclosed locations. At the vet, she simply put herself under the bench but I didn’t have to pull her out when it was her time.

She barks! At cyclists and wags her tail and perks up and tries to run with them. Part of her past, I guess. It’s super cute. 🙂

She does not like ear drops and when I put them in her ears, it was endless laughter (from me) watching her frantically rub those huge ears that don’t bend much at all to get the drops out. She doesn’t put the ears down so much as she puts them to the side (like an airplane).

She is curious about the outside world but gets spooked really easily, by another dog, person, car door slamming. She was soooo close to pooping yesterday when the friendly UPS driver waved and said “hi” to us and she lost her focus.

I have called her “Shelby” more than half a dozen times … usually when she is doing something she shouldn’t be doing (ala Shelby).

So we shall see what the weekend brings … I am not 100% sold. I definitely have found this way harder than I thought it would be. My loyalty is 100% to Shelby and I miss my best girl every single day. But this is Jasper’s blog so I will keep it about her and her journey. Would I miss her if she disappeared tomorrow? Probably not. Does she make me laugh and smile? Absolutely. Am I her fur-ever home? Only time will tell.

OK – so this was pretty darn cute, I do admit. Snuggled next to me while I was chatting with the Tripawds yesterday!

She does love her fluffy toys. She hasn’t quite broken through any of them yet to pull the fluff out but she likes to chew and toss them around.

What Jasper thinks about the way that I drive! (those ears!!!!)

She brought all her babies with her and is snuggled up in Shelby’s old bed. She LOVES this bed. I was going to get her a new bed this weekend of her own but she really seems to feel safe and secure in this bed. Maybe because it’s really well-loved. Maybe because it smells like another dog that was loved to the moon and back. Either way, if it doesn’t bother her, it doesn’t bother me. And also, I got up this close to her and she didn’t even flinch – once. Shelby always opened her eyes if I got this close.

With my heart still raw with emotions,  I am putting my toes back in the water of this thing called “dog ownership”. At first, I figured I would just volunteer for a rescue so I could be around dogs and feel fur between my fingers. Then I started to look on Petfinder and Adopt-a-Pet websites. I kept getting drawn to dogs that looked like my sweet Shelby Lynne (who passed away April 8, 2014). Shelby was my beloved best friend, my soul mate, my “heart dog”. My reason for getting up in the morning. My reason for everything.  I missed her more than words could ever express and while I knew/know that NO dog will ever come close, I couldn’t fathom a life without a dog.

After meeting a very sweet girl who looked like a bigger version of Shelby, it dawned on me that I couldn’t rescue a pooch that at all looked like Shelby. One morning, on a run, I saw a cute little dog with black fur and brown/tan eyebrows. I knew that was the kind of dog I needed to find. So I redirected my focus and on those websites, you can search by ‘colors’. Nothing ever popped up. More and more dogs that looked like Shelby.

Then Monday, “Julia” showed up. She was adorable in all her photos. She was listed as being house-broken, a year old, and very loving, happy, eager to please. In order to meet her, you had to fill out an application. I filled out that application three times before I hit ‘submit’. Then I felt a mixture of excitement and trepidation. The website said it would be up to 48 hours before I heard anything. I got home Monday evening and had an email – “Julia” wanted to meet me and we sounded like a perfect fit. I burst into tears but they were happy tears. I asked Shelby was to do. I asked her, begged her to send me a sign. I wrote them back, shaking, that she was beautiful and I would love to meet her. She was located in Orange County which is about an hour south of Los Angeles. I would meet her Tuesday evening.

I couldn’t sleep Monday night. I was riddled with excitement. Was I going to bring my new fur-baby home? What did that look like? As I left the office and drove the long drive to meet her, I felt riddled with guilt. What was I doing? It was too soon. It’s only been 10 weeks since Shelby left this earth. Did it mean that I didn’t love Shelby as much as I thought I did? I couldn’t back out now. That would be rude. I said, I’ll drive to meet her but there is no way they will just send her off with me. As I arrived at the business park where she was, I saw her peeking out the window. The rescue org came out with me and we sat and we talked.

Julia is guesstimated to be about 1 1/2 years old. She is a Basenji mix. She doesn’t bark. She is house-trained. She was rescued from a dog hoarding situation in Mexico about 2 months prior. She was just put up on the rescue site because she was severely malnourished when they rescued her. But she was in pretty good condition so they didn’t think she had been in the hoarding house (with up to 40 dogs) for very long. Where had she been prior? No one knows. So in her short life, she has probably, most likely, lived on the streets or been a rescue (as hoarders tend to rescue dogs thinking they are ‘helping’), then to a house with 40 dogs in God knows what kind of conditions, to a rescue home with 7 other dogs and now to my home. What a life.

She took to me right away which, considering what her life has been, was a good sign. She wanted to be loved. She wants to give love. They asked if I wanted to take her for a trial basis and I agreed. I paid the adoption fee and said when do I bring her back. They said she is mine UNLESS I change my mind and there will be no judgement if it doesn’t work out. As I drove away with my new dog, I kept thinking, what the heck have I done. What would Shelby say. She did well in the car. She is incredibly insecure and submissive in her demeanor.

But she made herself at home. She followed me everywhere. I tried to love and cuddle her as much as I could but found it hard. There are photos of Shelby on every wall in my house. My home smells like Shelby since I haven’t had anything cleaned since she left this earth. I am sure Julia who was promptly renamed Jasper Lily, knows that there was another dog there at some recent point and that perhaps she was ill. Perhaps she knows that other dog has passed on. I gave her some old toys of Shelby’s that I didn’t really care about and she played with them. She is crate trained yet peed in her crate (and on my bed). So much for being house-broken.

She eats well but like a lady (unlike Shelby who would scarf her food). She eats a bit and then goes off to play and goes back to her food. She wants to play and plays well on her own. When I try to play with her on the floor, she gets very submissive and I wonder if she was hit. She cuddles and definitely wants to be touching me all the time. Shelby didn’t do much of that until the near end. Shelby was content to be in the same room with me.

As I sit here today and try and think back to my first few weeks/nights with Shelby, I struggle to remember what that looked like. I don’t think I loved her off the bat but maybe I did. I know she made me bat crazy by being a holy terror. Jasper wants nothing more than to please me. I don’t love her. I don’t feel anything for her. I like her cause she’s a dog and she’s cute enough. It frustrates me that she won’t potty outside. Shelby and I had the best routine. I can’t remember a time when we weren’t 100% in-sync but I know that since Shelby was a rescue too, we had our ups and downs. But I didn’t write it down. So that is why I have started a blog for Jasper. If she remains with me (and that is still a very big IF), then I want to remember her life from the beginning of our journey.

She does do some cute things; she will stand up on her back legs like a meerkat. She likes to take socks and run across the room. She likes to beg but doesn’t really want what I am eating. She poses when she walks – she will stand with one foot poised in the air while she takes in the surroundings. She does not make any sounds – none. She smiles. She wags her tail and is happy to play on her own. She has gone after my feather boas in the house several times and come out with a mouth full of feathers.

We’ve barely known each other 24 hours and I have been at work all day. I don’t long to get home to her. In fact, part of me wants to go home and be alone but that’s not my reality anymore. I feel incredibly out of sorts and all kinds of crazy right now. I feel like I took a dozen steps backwards in my emotional healing with Shelby’s loss. I wish so much I had a crystal ball or could talk to Shelby and have her tell me if I did the right thing. I judge myself – and my love for Shelby since I was able to welcome a new fur-baby into the home so soon.

So I will keep her a week, at least, and see how I feel. There is so much I don’t know and I hate feeling out of sorts and the dread that comes with that. And how uncomfortable in general I feel right now. It just doesn’t feel right. But it doesn’t feel wrong either. It feels different and not in a good way. But I hope that Shelby will continue to be the amazing guardian angel dog that she is and send me signs. It’s hard because everyone tells me what a ‘special dog’ Shelby was. Those are some big paws to live up to! But Jasper will find her own. She is clearly a loving dog and friendly to everyone and about 20 pounds so on paper, she has met my minimum criteria. I am hopeful my heart will open itself up to her as well.

Jasper Lily Day 1

My oh my, what big ears you have!

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Getting to know each other