Jasper Lily at two months

WOW … has Jasper Lily really been a part of my life for two months? Like Shelby’s passing it feels forever long and forever short. It’s hard to believe that two months ago, on a Tuesday, I was driving to Orange County in rush hour traffic, sitting there, wondering what the hell I was thinking – it was too soon, it was too right, it was too wrong. Like when I got Shelby, I wasn’t prepared. I didn’t have food. I didn’t have a bed. I didn’t have a leash. But I did have all those things but they were Shelby’s things.

It’s been a long two months with Jasper. I had her for a full month before I even told most of my social network. I feared the judgement (the ‘it’s so soon’ or ‘didn’t Shelby just pass away) but none of that happened. I was met with the same love and affection and compassion I got when Shelby passed away. People have welcomed Jasper into their hearts in leaps and bounds. And part of that scared me. Did they think she was cuter than Shelby? Have they forgotten how special Shelby was to me? Or, perhaps, my friends have more capacity to love and open their hearts than I do.

I still keep little Jasper at arm’s length sometimes – however we have gotten much better. We communicate much better. She is less clingy to me (which I needed and love about her). We went to the movies this past weekend; an outdoor cinema, and she was perfect. And dare I say it, better than Shelby would have been? She relaxed quickly and made friends with my friends. I left to go to the bathroom and she didn’t even blink. The only rough patch was when the live band started and she freaked. The music was awful but it was also soooo loud to those dumbo ears. Thankfully, I had her thunder shirt and put a baby around her ears to muffle the sound. Once the movie started, she fell asleep in my arms.

On Sunday, I got her a new bed – probably the first bed that has ever been just hers. She probably always had to share her toys, her beds, her food. She is good at sharing (from what I can tell, no aggression when I take things away from her) but she is super cute and stealth when she walks around the apt picking up a baby and moving it to the other side of the room, gathering them all together. And it took her a bit, to fall in love with her bed (aka not eat it) but she loves her new bed.

And I think she loves her new life. I think she feels more and more settled. She pees a little less when she’s excited. She barks a bit more but will stop when I ask her to. She doesn’t, thankfully, bark for the sake of barking. She also lets off a low growl when I tell her not to bark – not at me but whatever has provoked a bark. Kind of a warning. But honestly, I think if push came to shove, she would run under the bed and hide!

She is a very good little girl and she’s very sweet. She has made a little spot for herself in my heart.  I would be sad if she wasn’t there. Devastated? Probably not. I don’t think I will ever feel that kind of tremendous sadness again. I tell her about her big sister in heaven all the time. And that Shelby looks out for us. And how much I miss Shelby every single day but I thank Shelby for sending me Jasper Lily. Because life is more about the smiles than the tears. Jasper has brought laughter back into the home. I adore that she’s always so happy to see me when I get home (I can hear her whining with excitement as I walk up the stairs). When I wake up and see her little paws and ears looking up at me and her big bushy tail wagging, it makes me happy.

She’s still weird about certain things (riding in the car, cutting corners on our walks, loud sounds) but I suspect this world is still new to her. But to see her outwardly friendly to everyone she meets warms my heart. I think she’s feeling more relaxed, more at home, and more safe and I think she is starting to realize, this is indeed her fur-ever home.

One of my friends reminded me that the heart’s capacity to heal and to love is truly amazing. And that my heart will never fully heal from the loss of my beloved Shelby, I can and will love again. It is true. The affection I have for Jasper is akin to love … but in a completely different way than with Shelby. I do not feel whole (nor do I ever think I will again) but I do feel more at peace and more content. And I feel grateful that I have a new little sidekick to help me through the years until I am reunited with my one true love.  And I believe that Jasper Lily understands her role and understands how much I care for her. She feels safe and secure and that, at the end of the day, is all I ever wanted for this sweet little Mexico-pooch!

Her new bed (and her new babies)

Movie night with Jasper Lily

Chillaxin’ before the movie

The band was simply too loud for her

Resting Bitch Face! Her normal face but I still think it’s adorable!